Pooped in My Car

From Marian Yesufu’s One Woman Show -

Hear ye!

Tell me the one true coin!

I finally undickmatized myself —

That’s right!

I finally undickmatized myself.

Letting go of the dick…

You know what finally did it?

It helped that I came to his house

And I wasn’t allowed to use the bathroom.

Because I was there…

And I was not allowed to be.

You see —

There was an opportunity

For him to live in a place of his own,

But did he?

No!

He lived in another place,

Where he couldn’t have visitors.

Not like me.

Not a lady friend.

Not this queen.

Now the difference between his past and this one?

Is his bathroom —

It was next to his room.

And I could’ve used it.

In this one?

I could not.

Use.

The.

Bathroom.

[Beat. Pause. Then sung, dramatic and confessional]

What finally did it?

I slept over.

Gave him some good loving…

Left at 4 AM.

And needed to take — the biggest shit —

Of my life.

[Sung, slow and aching]

Was I able to take the shit

In his house?

No.

’Cause I’m a lady friend —

Unwanted,

Unattainable,

Unallowed.

Not allowed…

[Music intensifies, theatrical and tragicomic]

So I drove.

Stomach churning…

Stomach writhing…

Stomach crying.

Only to then —

Take a shit

Where?

[Belted]

IN A BOX —

IN MY CAR!

Filled my precious, aromatic, fluor-lavender-Irish car

With a STAIN of bodily fluids

That only know one home —

A BATHROOM.

[Softer now, voice cracking with honesty]

In that moment,

Searching…

Seeking…

For any kind of paper

To wipe my rear end…

I realized:

This.

Is.

Rock.

Bottom.

[Quiet. Spoken like revelation, then built into crescendo]

No friend could tell me hard enough —

That I’m worthy.

No parent could say it loud enough —

That I’m enough.

That I’m beautiful.

No mirror,

No man,

No self-help book,

Could scream:

“SNAP OUT OF IT, BITCH!”

[Belted, big musical climax]

But the SHIT —

The SMELL —

The BENDING —

The ARCHAIC NATURE

OF THIS WHOLE THING

Was NOT FITTING FOR A QUEEN!

[Silence. And then… softly, sweetly, finally free:]

That’s right.

It was in that moment…

That I realized…

(sung gently)

Bitch…

Let him go.

[Reprise motif: “Let him go… let him go… I’m a queen, I know…” as lights fade.]